To the neighbor(s) below me: I don’t apologize.
You should expect that during a Saturday night in November. If you can’t handle a little noise, move to a state that doesn’t follow football. I’d look into Maine or Alaska.
My beloved Ducks blew their chance at a national championship this weekend. And I’m still not over it.
Oregon doesn’t lose very often, so when they do, it’s a horrific and painful experience.
In a sad attempt to find a silver lining, I’ve decided to use myself as a guinea pig to identify the stages of sports grief. These are in no particular order.
Stage 1: Immediate rage
Oregon’s kicker misses another field goal, essentially giving Stanford the win. My reaction? Spiking my phone to the ground, shattering the case around it. Miraculously, the phone remains in fine working order. This stage is repeated when Oregon finds a way to botch a fumble recovery on the following possession.
Stage 2: This isn’t real
Stanford’s kicker drills the game-winning field goal in overtime. My reaction? That didn’t actually go in, did it? Let’s see if the referees stick their hands in the air. It’s good? There has to be a penalty. Where’s the flag? No flag? Did Oregon call a timeout? Stanford’s rushing the field? Isn’t that something? Shouldn’t that negate the kick for excessive celebration? Man, this announcer is going to look silly after the ref takes away the field goal. Wait, what? The game’s over? Just like that? I bet the league reviews this and finds that Oregon actually won.
Stage 3: The sky is falling
Well, now that Oregon blew their chance at a national championship, why should I even watch? Who cares if they find a way to win the PAC-12 Championship and Rose Bowl? That’s old hat. Lesser bowls don’t even matter. It’s all about the national championship. I bet Chip leaves after this season, the Ducks hire some idiot, and end up being the worst team in college football. I’ll bet Oregon goes 0-12 next year. This was their one chance. I should just give up watching college football altogether.
Stage 4: I never cared anyways
I actually don’t even really care about college football or the Ducks. It’s just a silly game that I watch to kill the time. My life is so much more important than this. I’m a successful scholar with a hot wife and a furry cat. Even if the Ducks lose every game, I shouldn’t care. I’m a winner. Sports are lame. I should just sit in my office in an over-sized leather chair, drinking scotch, smoking cigars, and reading important books. I should go buy all of that stuff right now. Even if the Ducks win a national championship, who cares? Not me. I have books, cigars, and scotch.
Stage 5: Pointing the finger
Ya know what? I don’t care, but it’s just ridiculous that they should have won. If it weren’t for that guy not recovering that fumble, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. It’s totally his fault. He should be ashamed. He shouldn’t be able to sleep at night.
Actually, you know what? They shouldn’tve had to rely on that fumble. If it weren’t for that guy not making a block, they would’ve blown ‘em out. He should be ashamed. He shouldn’t be able to sleep at night.
Actually, you know what? What was with that play calling? If the coach would’ve called some decent plays, they would’ve blown ‘em out. The coach should be ashamed. He shouldn’t be able to sleep at night.
Actually, you know what? The coach called bad plays because he was cursed. If it weren’t for that one girl posting that thing about the last time they went to the national championship on facebook, they woud’ve blown ‘em out. She should be ashamed. She shouldn’t be able to sleep at night.
Stage 6: False hope
Now that I think about it, it’s alright that they lost that game. Because if X team loses and Y team wins and Z team finds a way to do this, THEY’RE BACK IN. That’s totally possible. Actually, it’s more than possible. I’d bet my house on it. That’s totally gonna happen. Wow, I can’t believe I was even worried. They’re finnnnne.
Stage 7: Vengeance
Look at these Oregon State fans out here, gloating over Oregon’s loss. I hope Oregon beats them 116-0 on Saturday. That’ll show ‘em. Then I’ll personally ride into Corvallis and tell every single Beaver fan that Oregon State is terrible. That’ll show ‘em.
You know what else? I’m taking the day off work so I can play Stanford and Oregon State on NCAA Football the video game and beat them 296-0 over and over and over again. That’ll show ‘em. I’ll post photos of what the score should have been on facebook, twitter, and instagram. And then I’ll get on message boards. They’ll be sorry that they laughed when Oregon lost.
Stage 8: Moving on
Well, shoot. Oregon lost. Tough break. Hopefully they beat Oregon State. The Fiesta Bowl isn’t really that bad. I’d love to watch the Ducks take on Kansas State. That’d be an entertaining game. And who knows, maybe I’ll have a few bucks to travel down to the game with some friends. I wouldn’t have the money to go to Miami. But either way, if the dominoes fall and the Ducks play in the national championship, that’d be cool. If they end up in the Fiesta or Rose Bowl, that’d be cool too.
Let’s start by beating Oregon State.